Safety First

I went to the dentist today. I went in and the 1st thing they did was give me an x-ray. I thought it was strange when they put a lead apron over my midsection to shield me from radiation, then proceeded to place the x-ray gun right in front of my face.
When I left the dentists office a man approached me, gave me a bullet proof vest, and said, "Put this on, you'll need it." He then shot me in the face with a shotgun, but everything was cool cuz I had that bulletproof vest covering my midsection. This got me thinking about other safety measures that had saved my life in the past.
Texas commonly gets tornados and when I was a young boy a tornado hit my school, but I wasn't nervous cuz I knew how to beat the tornado. Just crouch down with my head against the wall and cover my neck with my hands. The building was torn from the earth. Me and my classmates woke up miles away next to a desimated razor blade factory the tornado had picked up. No one was harmed thanks to the simple crouching technique we learned in school. Then there was the time an atomic bomb was dropped next to my school. We heard the sirens and knew what to do. We were prepared! After the bomb went off nothing was left. We were surrounded by the flaming aftermath of the explosion, the only thing left unscathed for miles around were desks. The same desks we had taken shelter under before the blast. And who could forget the earthquake.
When the building started to shake I got really scared but then I remembered the advice I had heard on the news. After the quake I was surrounded by the rubble of the collapsed 5 story building. Thankfully I was unharmed because I stood underneath a door frame. OK, that was all bullshit except for the x-ray thing.

Buzz Aldrin is a God

We have all heard about these crazy assholes that think the moonlanding was faked. These fucking clowns are very entertaining because they use science to prove their points, but they have about as much understanding of science as the average 10 year old that has aspirations of becoming a superhero when he grows up. One of these fat smelly losers went to a mall where Buzz Aldrin was making an appearance.
This disembodied whale penis in a suit and tie approached Aldrin and in reference to the "faked moonlanding" called him a coward and a liar. Them's fightin' words if you ask me. Buzz agrees. This 72 year old man was not about to take shit off some stupid punk trying to get famous by spitting shit about the moonlanding. The guy had more to say, but after the words coward and liar came out of his mouth, Buzz shoved a fist in it. He knocked the cock out of that jerk. And now everyone in world knows that he was decked by a 72 year old man. You should see this, just press play.

Now I thought Mr. Aldrin was a badass before this, when his only claim to fame was being an astronaut and moon walker. But now that I have seen this video, I see the man as a more of a deity than just a left-handed badass. If you would like to join my religion please email me. Maybe I can get a tax break if I declare my residence as a place of worship and get Aldrinanity legally established.
Just think about it, would you rather worship Buzz Aldrin, the man who walked on the moon and doesn't take shit off anyone, or Jesus, the man who walked on water and took so much shit off everyone that it killed him. Well I say that walking on the moon is way cooler than walking on water and getting your ass kicked and encouraging others to do the same by saying they should "turn the other cheek" is lame. Become a member of the Aldrinian church today! and send money.

Life Insurance Commercials

Getting old must be really depressing. I think one of the main reasons I get out of bed in the morning and shave without so much as thinking of slashing my wrists is that I look forward to the day, and the future in general. Being young allows me the freedom to dream the most absurdly optimistic dreams. I've got plenty of time to realize any of the dreams I come up with. Sure, there isn't much chance I'll ever become a famous athlete or musician but I really don't want that. I have no talent for music and I'm not really athletic inclined, at least not enough to make a living with it. But I can still dream of being a rich playboy that travels the globe in search of adventure and excitement. Time is on my side. If I were old I wouldn't be able to dream at all. I would have to think how much life I had left. This sort of thing sounds pretty depressing to me. The fact that no one would want to have sex with my wrinkled crochity old body, my dulling wits, and my friends and family dying wouldn't help my mood I'm sure. Life insurance commercials wouldn't provide any relief. Take a look at this excerpt from an ad.

"You worthless piece of shit! Your family shouldn't have to worry about you dying. Think of all the money they'll waste on you. Medical bills, funeral bills, and credit card debts will all be a burden to your family when you die. A burden, just like you! You're not worth the dirt you'll be buried with. The only possible redemptive act you can do is buy our life insurance policy. If you don't be assured your friends and loved ones will piss on your grave out of anger about all the money you took to hell with you."

Hideous. Unconscionable. It just isn't right to capitalize on old peoples feeling of worthlessness. Let's all hope that scientists find a way to regenerate our telomeres before we get old.