Dolphins: Gangsters of the Sea

Dolphins are generally looked upon as friendly and peaceful creatures. They’re so chipper and gentle looking. For this reason they get a lot of positive press, flipper was hero to millions of children. I’m sure we have all heard the stories about a man that fell off a pier or a boat or some such shit, and while flailing in the water he was assailed by sharks. The story goes that a posse of noble dolphins came to his aid and warded off the mean, ugly, uncuddly sharks; thus saving the mans life. After the rescue the kindly dolphins jumped through hoops and let the man ride on their back while he waved a cowboy hat in the air, which delighted onlookers young and old. But is this an accurate portrayal of the sea born mammals? Or is there a more sinister truth regarding those chirping cocksuckers? I did a little research and discovered that dolphins have been killing porpoises. For those of you that didn’t know, a porpoise is like a small dolphin as you can see below.

They didn’t do it for food, if they had, dead porpoises wouldn’t be washing up all over the shore. They did it for the joy of killing; imagine the dolphin as they hurl the porpoise back and forth like a bloody broken beach ball. Visualize them tearing into its flesh with their teeth on every toss, keeping it alive only to watch it suffer, basking in the beautiful glow of its agony. Move over Jeffery Dahmer, there’s a new kid on the block and his name is flipper. The sadistic behavior doesn’t stop there. They kill baby dolphins too! But this time it’s not just fun and games, it’s so they can knock up the mother. It turns out that when a female dolphin loses an infant she becomes fertile. Yep, we all know nothing gets those juices flowing quite like infanticide. You may be thinking, “The cute cheerful dolphins could never do that, you’re just a cynical fucking jerk that likes to shit on other people’s parade, Mike!” Don’t take my word for it. Take a look at this link.
And I’m not cynical at all! I am a very cheerful and positive person that likes to shit on other people’s parade. ;)

The effect of lustrous metal on human pair bonding

I was at a bar last night standing high above the crowd on the 2nd floor. The way the room is setup is that there is a large bottom floor and a 2nd floor that is like an indoor balcony. Not only does this provide an excellent vantage for hitting people with projectiles, but also afforded me the opportunity to do some observation. I looked at everyone below, waiting for some pattern to jump out at me. I was looking at all the beautiful women and trying to learn from the men they were with. Did they know some magical principal I had not been told about? I noticed all the guys with a beautiful woman on their arm had a nice, big, shiny, expensive watch. I don’t mean nice like those turbo badass, jet powered, voice activated, calculator watches that perform integration and differential calculus. I mean nice like a shiny, expensive hunk of metal that happens to keep time.
I thought to myself, maybe these men are just attractive. This was not the case; some of these men were enormous fat-asses that most likely had tiny dicks and smelly breath(you can tell by looking). I will say that about 90% of the men in question were well groomed and made an effort to make their gargantuan ass and nanoscopic dick reasonably presentable. It is also probable that they were somewhat wealthy, but I am lead to believe this by the flashy watch. I believe this to be the method of action of said phenomenon. I couldn’t stop with this simple thought; I had to really prove or disprove to myself that some connection did exist between these extravagant watches and the adulation of beautiful women. I found my control group, or control individual in this case. It was a young man sitting with two hideously deformed she-beasts. This man was not ugly; physically he was much more impressive than some of the watch-toting goons I had observed in neighboring ecologies. He did lack a watch of any kind at all however. His clothes were probably purchased by his mother at Wal-Mart…………in the bargain bin. Many of you that know me may be thinking, “Mike, you fucking twat, don’t you buy your clothes out of the Wal-Mart bargain bin too?” My fashion sense is not the topic of this study, go fuck yourself. After examining both the watchless male escorting what I assume to be female burn victims (the tragic event didn’t effect their appetite it seems), and the moderately fashionable men with nice watches escorting beautiful goddesses, it became apparent I needed another control. Fashionable men with no watch and no women. I realized that this was the largest group of all. Most of the guys in there had dressed up to some degree, put gel in their hair and all that good shit. But the ones without watches had no guarantee of a foxy seductress to be at their side. Some had them, others didn’t. On the other hand every single observed watch enthusiast had a really sexy girl leaning against him. I didn’t define what constitutes a sexy girl, but trust me, I have excellent taste.