Spam is a service to humanity

I just got a spam email with “Penis enlargement for fun and profit” in the subject line. After laughing for a few seconds I thought to my self, sure the fun part makes perfect sense, but profit? HOW??? It got me thinking.

I could work for a sex toy company where they would make molds of my penis. I can just see the royalty checks rolling in. Or I could be in porn, but that’s just not very imaginative, plus I hear those guys don’t get paid much. I could dickslap people for a charge. Kinda like a candy-gram, give me an address and an insulting message and I will go dick slap the recipient in their own home, repeatedly, while dictating your verbal abuse word for word. You can't put a price on that kind of degradation. Aren’t you glad I didn’t spell it dicktating?

Maybe I could join the circus and incorporate it into some bizarre flying trapeze act. Or I could be a whole different kind of elephant man. If I lived in a rural area, I could tie a blade to the end of it, spin around, and harvest wheat with alarming efficiency. I could work for a hypnotist if he loses his pocket watch. I’d have to paint the head a shiny color, but hey, it’s a living.

The city might find me useful as a mobile speed bump. I’d make an excellent security guard, being able to sleep standing up (think tripod). I could help people move into second floor apartments by hoisting their stuff so they don’t have to use the stairs. I could stand next to a cliff or bridge. Bungee jumping anyone??

Yea now that I think about it, penis enlargement really pays for itself.