Spam is a service to humanity

I just got a spam email with “Penis enlargement for fun and profit” in the subject line. After laughing for a few seconds I thought to my self, sure the fun part makes perfect sense, but profit? HOW??? It got me thinking.

I could work for a sex toy company where they would make molds of my penis. I can just see the royalty checks rolling in. Or I could be in porn, but that’s just not very imaginative, plus I hear those guys don’t get paid much. I could dickslap people for a charge. Kinda like a candy-gram, give me an address and an insulting message and I will go dick slap the recipient in their own home, repeatedly, while dictating your verbal abuse word for word. You can't put a price on that kind of degradation. Aren’t you glad I didn’t spell it dicktating?

Maybe I could join the circus and incorporate it into some bizarre flying trapeze act. Or I could be a whole different kind of elephant man. If I lived in a rural area, I could tie a blade to the end of it, spin around, and harvest wheat with alarming efficiency. I could work for a hypnotist if he loses his pocket watch. I’d have to paint the head a shiny color, but hey, it’s a living.

The city might find me useful as a mobile speed bump. I’d make an excellent security guard, being able to sleep standing up (think tripod). I could help people move into second floor apartments by hoisting their stuff so they don’t have to use the stairs. I could stand next to a cliff or bridge. Bungee jumping anyone??

Yea now that I think about it, penis enlargement really pays for itself.

The Ultimate Hustler

   BET has ripped off Trump’s apprentice show, calling it “The Ultimate Hustler”. I’m not a big fan of BET, its kinda like some black people miss having their own water fountain or something, but I was watching this for about 10 minutes. I was watching some guy get fired, or cut, or eliminated, whatever.


  They were getting rid of him because he “lacked integrity” and was a “cheater and liar”. I agree that those are really negative qualities. But what the fuck is a hustler? When I hear the word hustler, the first things/words that comes to mind are cheater, liar, and unscrupulous. The second thing is porn, but that’s not what this entry is about. If they call a show “The Ultimate Hustler” they really ought to reward that kinda behavior.


  Maybe it’s that I don’t know something. Maybe the word hustler is a new Ebonics term meaning honest, of high moral standards, and unyielding integrity. I mean shiznit, I didn’t know what shiznit was until two hours ago so it wouldn’t surprise me if I’m just outta the loop.

Peace out nizzle

Free stuff is good

        The dinner party was great! Free booze, sexy staff and amazing food.
                            I love my job.

Get up!

I was at wal-mart today and realized peoples lives are a reflection of their standards. I saw morbidly obese people riding around on those electric scooters provided by wal-mart for the disabled or extremely lazy. I have yet to see a truly disabled person use these things, however.

I really wonder how a person reaches that level of enormity and says to themselves, “I need more food, but rather than walk around to get the food and postpone my own heart failure through some very modest activity, I think I would prefer to plop my big ass down on an electric cart, scoot around at a snail’s pace, and take up about twice as much aisle real estate as when I am standing up.” This really pisses me off for a couple reasons. First, I hate being blocked by these people when I am trying to move through the building. Second, it is insults to people that aren’t able to walk when some person that has the ability to do so, doesn’t because of laziness.




I thought nature was supposed to take care of this sort of thing with the process of natural selection. Civilization really has made survival just too fucking easy. I am reminded of a quote by Emerson, who said, “The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.”

Being an engineer I thought of a technical solution for the problem. Just make the entrances no wider than 3 ft across. This would prevent anyone wider that 3 ft from entering the building and obtaining more food. The problem becomes self correcting. Too fat to get in = no food = losing weight and width = narrower ass = ability to enter and get more food => goto loop. The algorithm is flawless. A problem was presented by a friend of mine. These people can just order food and have it delivered. So I thought, make the keys too small to press individually with fat fingers. I was reminded of the dialing wand ala The Simpson’s. Oh well, fuck it!

But I can’t be too hard on nature. After all, it’s not like these people are breeding, either because no one wants to fuck them, or because their genitals are being buried beneath gluttonous folds. Also, if they are too lazy to walk I think it’s a safe bet that they’re too lazy to fuck. People with a broken mentality have no place in the gene pool.

I am a monster 